“I love working in/with crises,” Els smiles. She explains that it is precisely in times of tension and conflict that connective communication becomes so relevant. It takes special skills to remain calm in a storm, and that is exactly when you, as a coach or leader, can make a difference.
This morning she gave a workshop on connective communication within an organization working on poverty; last week she did so in an environmental movement and a sector federation. The aim of these workshops is not only to help people take better care of themselves, but also to communicate better with their target group and the outside world. The ultimate goal: healthier relationships, better collaboration, and therefore greater impact.
A culture of blame
During such a workshop, Els explains how our culture is steeped in blame and judgment. We judge not only others, but also ourselves, all the time. This is a recognizable pattern, especially in the social sector, where people often put the needs of others above their own. The result: frustration and conflicts, both internally and externally. Els calls it a "rescuer mode" in which people exhaust themselves for someone else and ignore their own boundaries, ultimately leading to burnout or other personal problems.
Connective communication offers an answer to this. It encourages people to take radical responsibility for their own needs. “Violence is a tragic expression of unmet needs,” Marshall Rosenberg said. Many conflicts arise because we are too quick to discuss things at a level where the real need is not expressed. The real question is not whether your colleague or neighbor should be quiet, but how you meet your need for peace and quiet.
Radical responsibility and vulnerability
This way of communicating is sometimes controversial, especially in the social sector, where many people run themselves ragged in an attempt to help others. “Setting boundaries and learning to say no is not selfishness, but rather a way to contribute sustainably in the long term.” This raises the question: how do you find a balance between the demands of your work and caring for yourself? Els believes that learning to listen to your own needs and those of others is not only the key to personal well-being, but also to better collaboration within teams and a healthier organizational culture.
Connective communication, as developed by Marshall Rosenberg in the form of nonviolent communication, goes beyond resolving personal conflicts. It offers a vision of a more peaceful world, in which conflict is seen as an expression of unmet needs. Whether it concerns conflicts at a personal level, within organizations, or in society, the key lies in discerning the needs at play, both in yourself and in the other person.
Connective communication in practice
Connective communication requires a certain openness and willingness for personal growth, but that does not mean you have to lay your whole soul on the table during a workshop. It is about acknowledging the small conflicts, which are often connected in the background to deeper needs. “People determine the intensity of these kinds of workshops themselves," Els explains. The goal is not to expose deep traumas, but to learn how to deal in a practical way with your own needs and those of your colleagues.
Especially in the social sector, where equality is an important value, this is crucial. Els: “It is dangerous to decide for someone else what they need. That creates a vicious circle of frustration and miscommunication. Instead, connective communication encourages people to acknowledge and respect each other’s needs on an equal footing.”
TL;DR: emotional intelligence and sustainability
According to Els, emotional intelligence is a skill that anyone can learn. Connective Communication is not therapeutic or complicated, but a practical way to better understand both your own needs and those of others. By seeing emotions as a signal of unmet needs, we can avoid conflicts and build healthier, more sustainable relationships – both in the workplace and beyond.
Connective communication helps not only individuals, but also teams and organizations to work together more effectively and with greater satisfaction. It is a valuable investment in personal and professional growth that ultimately leads to a better-functioning organization.
Curious to find out more? Looking for support for your team? Interested in organizing a workshop? Email me for sure!
